and a lifetime ago. This is my second year away from 'the city' on 9/11 and once again, as I did last year, I woke up spontaneously at around 5am PST. It's as if my body has some internal clock on this particular day and yet I have no outlet for the emotions that seem to build up and bring me back to what I went through for the days and months that followed. This year was particularly difficult for me. My father's 5th Yahrzeit (the Hebrew anniversary of his death) took place on September 9th - (the closest it has ever been to September 11th), and the devastation of Hurricane Katrina and its aftermath resonated deeply with me - another human tragedy of epic proportions. As I helplessly watched the coverage on TV - the same generalized anxiety, helplessness, anger and frustration from four years ago started taking over. This mood slowly built up during the course of the past week. I was in a pretty rough mood, I bickered with friends and colleagues, and took work (my usual refuge) too seriously. All in all I was not too pleasant to be around. Until, finally on Friday, I snapped and cried my eyes out during a nice Shabbat dinner with friends.
It is truly amazing - I had tried to deny that this was what was happening until I could deny it no longer. The conversation in my head went something like this - "Geez Deb it's been four years since 9/11 and five since Dad, look at the Katrina victims, your experience was not so bad - get over it". And then today, I gave myself a break. Everyone responds to tragedy in different ways. For whatever reason - I am wired to really really be affected by this stuff - I am pretty passionate about whatever I do and take a lot of it very seriously (working on that) - so rather than fight it, I have decided to embrace it. I havent yet figured out how to practically commemorate this day, so I planted some flowers, took a long walk and reflected on how lucky I am to have such an amazing Father, have a roof over my head, and have had the privilege to meet and work with amazing volunteers, firefighters and policemen. I remembered those who died and said aprayer for Katrina victims and their family's. Finally - I placed my annual called to Ernesto (my compatriot at Ground Zero) and we caught up on each other's lives and promised again to not let an entire year go by before we check in on each other again.
What I learned this year is that I need to learn how to accept that September will always be 'the cruelest month' for me. It will always be a milestone against which I measure my life and my year as well as a mental check of whether I am living up to the promises I made myself. It is weighted and heavy with emotion but it also forces me to stop and be thankful. And so I am.
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