Deb's Ramblings

September 11th - Four years later

and a lifetime ago.  This is my second year away from 'the city' on 9/11 and once again, as I did last year,  I woke up spontaneously at around 5am PST.  It's as if my body has some internal clock on this particular day and yet I have no outlet for the emotions that seem to build up and bring me back to what I went through  for the days and months that followed.  This year was particularly difficult for me.  My father's 5th Yahrzeit (the Hebrew anniversary of his death) took place on September 9th - (the closest it has ever been to September 11th), and the devastation of Hurricane Katrina and its aftermath resonated deeply with me - another human tragedy of epic proportions.  As I helplessly watched the coverage on TV - the same generalized anxiety, helplessness, anger and frustration from four years ago started taking over.  This mood slowly built up during the course of the past week.  I was in a pretty rough mood, I bickered with friends and colleagues, and took work (my usual refuge) too seriously.  All in all I was not too pleasant to be around. Until, finally on Friday, I snapped and cried my eyes out during a nice Shabbat dinner with friends. 

It is truly amazing - I had tried to deny that this was what was happening until I could deny it no longer.  The conversation in my head went something like this  - "Geez Deb it's been four years since 9/11 and five since Dad, look at the Katrina victims, your experience was not so bad - get over it".  And then today, I gave myself a break.  Everyone responds to tragedy in different ways.  For whatever reason - I am wired to really really be affected by this stuff - I am pretty passionate about whatever I do and take a lot of it very seriously (working on that) - so rather than fight it, I have decided to embrace it.  I havent yet figured out how to practically commemorate this day,  so I planted some flowers, took a long walk and reflected on how lucky I am to have such an amazing Father, have a roof over my head, and have had the privilege to meet and work with amazing volunteers, firefighters and policemen.  I remembered those who died and said aprayer for Katrina victims and their family's.  Finally - I placed my annual called to Ernesto (my compatriot at Ground Zero) and we caught up on each other's lives and promised again to not let an entire year go by before we check in on each other again.

What I learned this year is that I need to learn how to accept that September will always be 'the cruelest month' for me.  It will always be a milestone against which I measure my life and my year as well as a mental check of whether I am living up to the promises I made myself. It is weighted and heavy with emotion but it also forces me to stop and be thankful.  And so I am.

 

 

NY vs SF - he is just wrong

http://www.themorningnews.org/archives/in_the_city/battle_of_the_giants.php

OK--I have to admit...this is the life

Despite the fact that I still miss NYC, I have to admit that there are some things that good ole New York can just not match. One of these things is the fabulous view from my own private desk in my new apartment. Check out my new photo album for more shots

And Wi-Fi for all (in NYC, that is)

On a subject near and dear to me, my friend Andrew Rasiej is running for Public Advocate in NY.  Andrew and his team's first big effort is kicking off tomorrow on the steps of New York's City Hall. Having just spent the last two days attending Supernova, where many of the who's who of the digerati are discussing and debating the promise and future of technology, it got me thinking (again) about the Digital Divide.  No, not that one -- the one I am referring to is between the Valley and New York and Government and Technology; individuals who see problems and look for ways to solve them and those who think it has always been done this way and so it shall remain.  It reminded me why I love technology and technologist and  refreshed my memory on how different these worlds are from each other on SO many levels. 

So long Fairway

Last night I discovered Berkeley Bowl and I am in love!  To my NYC Upper Westside Crew - Berkeley Bowl makes Fairway look like Waldbaums. It is twice as big (as the 125th market) and has rows and rows of exotic fruit and veggies. And as for variety, for example, they don't just stock fresh mint - they stock four kinds of fresh mint.   The interesting - tho not surprising -- cultural difference is that BB focuses on more items for cooking from scratch and Fairway has more prepared gourmet items. They have three aisles of bulk food alone.

So, my apologies Fairway, I feel a bit like a disloyal Upper Westsider- but alas, you can no longer claim to be like "no other market".

It's quieter here

It is just plain quieter here on the left coast.

Over the past few weeks as I have been traveling back and forth it has dawned on me that there really is a lack of street noise - honking, people talking, fire engines roaring. I was on a business call from my NYC apt last week and my colleague stopped mid-sentence to comment about how she loves the sounds of NY. I paused and realized she meant the noise coming from my window thru the phone - sirens, buses, cars.

It reminded me that my old answering machine message had a siren roaring thru it - it went something like this, "Hi this is Debbie, ROOOOOAAAR, I can't take your call right now....." Every out of town friend thought I had set it up to fake a loud fire engine roaring thru my living room. I on the other hand hadn't even noticed it.

You don't realize how much noise we live with until you get out of Manhattan. Now I get it--all New Yorkers are basically sleep deprived from noise - that's why *we all seem so agitated.

Of course, I am torn--I like the quiet and I don't really miss the noise. What I do miss is the energy--there I said it - the cliche sentence every non New Yorker always mutters about NY that we all think is SO sappy.

*Note for the duration of this blog I will continue to refer to myself as a New Yorker. I just happen to be living in San Francisco.

Tribute in Light

Still gives me shivers. Thanks Ernesto - almost as good as being there.

September 11th - view from the West

I woke up excruciatingly early this morning—it’s as if my internal clock was pulling me back to New York.  This is my first year being away from NY on September 11 – it is a bittersweet transition.  Staring out into the tranquil pines of the Berkeley Hills – “The City” seems so very far away, and I simultaneously miss the cacophony and am content to commemorate from afar.  CNN is maudlin and the US open is showing tennis clips—life goes on.  I can hardly believe it has been three years. It feels like yesterday, it files like another lifetime ago.  I have changed so much, NY and the world has changed even more.  Innocence lost, lives lost, a constant dull drumming.  My friend and colleague Anil Dash has also recently relocated from NY and he has very eloquently summed up my feelings.  If you haven't lived through it - you never can truly understand it.   Every year I see the faces of the people I connected and bonded with on the days and weeks following 9/11 and I relive some of the most difficult images, moments, and conversations from my volunteer stint. I wrote about it two days after the event and I re-read it every year.

September 11th will also always be linked to the one-year anniversary of my father’s death. At a time when I would have started to move forward and look ahead it yanked me back into that strange emotional limbo of loss and mourning.  September has always been a month of change and renewal – Rosh Hashanah, a new school year, the smell of autumn in the air.  Before 2000 it was a softly bittersweet month. Summer was over, but a new year was beginning.  Now that soft transition is gone—it is a wrenching jarring reminder. 

Only now, three years later – with perspective on both events, do I realize the deep impact this linkage has had on my life.  My father was a man who believed in community first.  He believed in doing the right thing and he demonstrated this daily.  I dealt with my shock that day by volunteering at Ground Zero and although my intense daily volunteer work ended a few weeks later - I continued to volunteer for three months and I did not really emotionally leave for well over six months.   I see now that in some strange way it was a way to stay connected to my father and climb out of the depression I felt after his death.  I grew up twice on September 11th – no longer Daddy’s little girl, no longer an innocent protected American.

So, from across the country – I send each of you my thoughts and prayers.  Take care of yourselves, I may be in California but my heart and soul is in NY.

Observations - East to West

I am going to attempt to keep a log of all my observations about the difference between East Coast and West Coast living. Considering I spent my entire life up until now living in Long Island, Brooklyn and Manhattan, this should be an interesting exercise. I will try to keep it fresh --not too much analysis (my friends can stop snickering now) --so, I can't promise these random thoughts will all be profound or even entertaining - but hopefully in the end they will be a fun compilation of how I am settling in to life on the Left Coast.

All of these observations will be logged under "From NYC to SF" --just click on the link to see the latest

East vs. West - a VC Fable

Difference between West Coast VC attitudes and East Coast vs. Attitudes

Realized this at a recent conference. Warning! Gross oversimplified fable follows:

"A serial entrepeneur whose last company has gone bust (no buyout/takeover or exit strategy) goes to visit two VC's about his new idea - one East coast based and one West coast based.

The East coast VC meets with him shakes his hand and says "sounds interesting, we'll get back to you". He walks into his partner's office and says--"why the hell would I invest in this guy, his last company blew-up"

Fast forward to the West Coast VC meeting:

The West coast VC meets the serial entrepeneur, shakes his hand and says "sounds interesting, we'll get back to you". He walks into his partners office and says--"we've got to invest in this guy he is always coming up with new ideas"

And therein - lies the difference - East Coast leans towards sounds business and West Coast puts ideas first. WHich is better? You decide...;)